Well, the year 2011 has been quite the roller-coaster year for this family. I left the salon the end of January, and we embarked on a new schedule. I began working more hours with Child Serve, and also Home Instead. We started our "House-Hunt", and were faced with the reality of not being able to look in Ankeny. We kept looking close to Ankeny, in the more rural areas, but God kept shutting that door. We were a little discouraged because we had found an AMAZING connection group in Ankeny, and the only place we were finding houses we liked were up in Nevada, which as you may know is directly East of Ames.
We put an offer down on a house that was a short sale, needed a lot of work but had a TON of potential. Since we don't have kids we figured it would be a great start for us! Well, the offer was accepted by the owners, but they also had another offer, and both offers were sitting at the bank. Well our offer sat.....and sat.....and sat. We kept praying, and also keeping an eye out for anything else that may pop up. We continued on with our day to day, excitingly approaching our 2 year anniversary!! We had a wedding up in Clear Lake that same weekend, so mom and dad May took Cooper for the night and we stayed at the Hotel where they had the reception. Anything to have a night out!! :)
We ended up hanging out with our May Family the next day and had a blast! When we got home that night, we were trying to figure out what to do with our night. Well, for kicks, since i was "late" and not feeling the greatest, we bought a pregnancy test. I had had issues with infertility for 18 months, but that's a WHOLE other post!!
So we took this test, mainly me, but you get what i mean. IMMEDIATELY it shows a BEAUTIFUL pink "+" I cried for quite a while!! Could this really be happening?? Has my body finally gotten back on track for real and God was blessing us with a child???? Welp, after sharing with parents, and then having blood drawn, it was OFFICIAL!! McNugget was being formed!!! We found out we were about 6-7 weeks along!! Due the last week in December! Talk about a fun Christmas present!!
We had our family keep everything on the down-low, because we wanted to wait until we had made it through the 1st trimester before sharing our news more publicly.
We made it to Father's Day, which was the transition point into the 2nd trimester. We had made it!! We shared with friends and family and had fun celebrating and talking about what was to come.
Every 4 weeks we had gone in to hear the heart beat, and there it was going strong! McNugget was quite the little stinker, liked to squirm away from the doppler, i think that's what it's called :) So there we sat, well i layed, thinking Nuggs is sure gonna keep us on our toes. Nuggs is the name my dad gave to McNugget! Before we continue telling Nuggs story, we'll return to the house hunt. After seeing that "+" sign, we began praying even HARDER about the house. We decided to see what was new on our House Portal our realtor had set up for us. We saw one we liked, but the guy wanted too much for it, we thought anyway. I told Michael, if it goes to such and such price, then we'll go look at it. No sooner had I hit the "Re-Fresh" button, the price had dropped!!! Talk about a God moment!!! So we went, saw and LOVED this house!! It was, as Michael would call it, Turn-Key move-in Ready!!! We put an offer on it, the guy accepted, and even let us move in before closing due to the turn-over for renters in Ames is CRAZY!! Back to Nuggs' story.
So week 19 and 6 days comes around, and we are SO elated and excited to be having our 1ST ultrasound and finding out if McNugget was a boy or girl!!! We sit in the room, the tech starts looking around on the monitor. It didn't take long for me to just KNOW that something was not right. She had this very serious look on her face, and said NOTHING, just kept taking pictures. Then those AWFUL words came, "I'm afraid I don't have any good news for you" My heart just sank.."I can't find a heart-beat" All I could do is tear up, look at Michael and just whisper "I'm so sorry" he right away began tearing up and assured me that this was NOT my fault. But what else could I, a mother feel??? My heart was being ripped apart.
The next 20-24 Hours would be ones I would NEVER forget. We met with the midwife, and discussed what to do next. Well, since McNugget was NO nugget, but rather big, I was going to be induced. This had me very nervous. I did NOT want to go through MORE pain, especially knowing my baby was already gone. I right away had Michael get a hold of my parents. They had been through a similar situation after I was born, but I just needed them with me as well as my husband.
So there we sat in the hospital room, and it gets worse, it was on the birth-way floor. So that means I had to walk through the ENTIRE birth-way floor, where new babies were being brought out of their mom's rooms. All I could do is look down to keep from bursting into tears. I had to visit with nurses, answering their questions, and trying to stay focused. It was really hard, especially when a nurse told me that since i had already had some anxiety about the pregnancy, which came from comparing myself CONSTANTLY to the books and other pregnant ladies around me, that if I was still feeling anxious or depressed in 2 WEEKS, then I would need to be medicated. MEDICATED?!?!?!?! really? after 2 weeks I am just supposed to carry on as if NOTHING had happened?? I had no words, which was probably God holding my tongue at that moment :)
Family arrived, and more tears were shared. Many wonderful people surrounded us that day, and God made His presence known to us. I had been very upset with God, trying to figure out why?? Why did I have NO idea that my baby had been gone for a few weeks already??? It took me until later on that evening to allow God wrap His arms around me, after I had pushed Him away all day. How comforting it is to know that even when we are upset, He is still there. He wants us to call out and tell Him what we're thinking, He already knows, but He wants that relationship with us. Well, He certainly got an earful. I was able to lay it all out and cast that burden upon Him. Once I felt that my load was lighter I was able to run to Him and not AT Him. And He welcomed me with OPEN arms.
The afternoon and day moved SLOWLY. We were told, the method they were using to induce me, well, worse case scenario, I would still be there in 2 days. Boy, did I start praying HARD!! I did NOT want to stay that long. I just wanted to be home. God sent some amazing brothers/sisters that day to bring comfort, share tears, offer hugs and pray with us. We were up against Satan wanting to tare us apart, and different medical things, since baby and everything were not full grown, and my body was being induced, may have needed to be put under for other things to be completed.
Well, a little over 8 hours after they started the process, McNugget, well the body of McNugget came. All I really remember is crying. I chose not to see the baby, because the nurse had commented on how a baby that had died a day ago will look much different than a baby that died almost a month ago. So in my mind, i was thinking about how scary that moment may be, and traumatizing. We were able to get footprints put into an envelope, which we have since opened, and let me just say, that if nuggs feet were that big at 16 weeks, well then wow!! :)
My neices brought us in a balloon plant, which Michael has planted just off our deck, so we can enjoy it while outside, and in the kitchen.
A really sweet thing, is that Cooper, the dog, will sometimes go outside, and just lay next to the plant, just looking at it, while relaxing.
It's been over a month, but we still have our moments. The emotional waves that were coming up from behind have calmed, and became spread farther apart.
We were encouraged by our midwife, that the blood work all came back positive, and that there was nothing standing in our way to discourage us from trying again.
We have been praying that God would stimulate my ovaries, so I wouldn't need a medication. God is SO great at providing for His children, and has really been showering us with His love and showing us that He wants to give us the desires of our hearts. We don't have to wait to try again, we have passed the waiting mark, so now we let God!!
We continue to covet your prayers, and I will be doing my best at posting more on this blog. To be completely honest, I had forgotten the password!
I will try to put up a post on the hurdles and hoops we went through with infertility, hopefully it may offer a sense of peace to someone reading.
~Team McHenry~
